FEAR

About two months ago I got sick. I had strep throat, which in itself is not that unusual, but I had the added complication of a sinus infection and a lump in my throat. I went to the doctor and while there she discovered that my thyroid was enlarged and sent me for a sonogram. The sonogram was scheduled two days before my knee surgery. Yes, I seem to be falling apart in record time. I wanted to know what would cause a thyroid to enlarge so I got on the Internet. Big, BIG Mistake! By the time I read all the diagnoses of an enlarged thyroid I had myself buried in a pine box in the back yard.

When I went to the sonogram, the technician of course could not answer any of my questions, but I did notice during the procedure she would frequently stop to measure and mark nodules. I knew enough from my “internet research” to recognize cancerous nodules and every chance I got I was straining to see the screen to see if I needed to start writing goodbye letters to my kids.

Throughout this time period I had been praying, asking for peace, for healing and to stop focusing on the fact that I could not swallow very well. God clearly told me I was going to be ok. In spite of that, I kept looking on the Internet for answers and worrying.

The day after my knee surgery a nurse from my doctor’s office called to give me the results of my sonogram. She read the notes from the radiologist and said there was nothing significant and all nodules were cancer free. When I hung up the phone I literally cried. I had spent an enormous amount of energy in fear when I had been told all along that I would be OK. I was in the middle of thanking God when I asked “Am I really that stubborn?” and He replied “Yes”.

Fear is such a powerful emotion. I ran the gamut of reactions to my fear. I could not sleep, I had anxiety, I was scared, I thought about all the things I had not done with my life that I wanted to, I imagined my kids growing older and having families and I would not be there to see them and I thought about saying goodbye to my husband of 26 years. I not only lost hope, but I did it alone.

Fear had caused me to focus on the bad in my situation. What was even worse was I keep it inside. After the first two times of talking to my husband I felt like I was failing in my faith. I had completely ignored and even chose not to believe God when He told me I would be ok. Isolation compounds fear.

After the first round of antibiotics the strep was gone. It took two more rounds to clear up my sinus infection, but the lump in my throat remains. I have to confess this is the most irritating thing. I am currently taking Zantac for reflux and it should clear up in 3 to 6 months. It is however a constant reminder of what I just went through and God’s promise that I will be ok. I have to return in June for another sonogram for my thyroid. I don’t honestly know what is going to happen in the future, but I do know that God keeps his promises and even if I have to go through some medical issues I will not go it alone, “I will be OK” and fear no longer rules the day!